Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
