He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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