I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
