i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She even gives head with a lisp.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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