My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
