does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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