Non-Jews are for practice
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
