Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I have peed in a lot of sinks
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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