he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
