Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
