In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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