If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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