Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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