i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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