Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
this will be a night to untag.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
