Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
