with your own penis?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Naked Twister starts at high noon
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
