So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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