You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
