just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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