i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Drunk is not a location!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
