i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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