is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
