Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
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wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
this is an emotional support booty call
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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