Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
