Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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