I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
