just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
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He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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