a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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