i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
