atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
