I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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