Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
