eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
