I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
