I could make wine with my vomit
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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