There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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