fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
