how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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