I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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