Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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