Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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