I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
