god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
