The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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