I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
