come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
