I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she woke up with a sticky ear
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
