My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
