Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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