I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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