I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize