when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
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Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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