Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
