Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
