Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
