420 ftw
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
