My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm like, not good at living.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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