I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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